“All Dene could remember about his uncle was the way he used to throw Dene up in the air and catch him when we was almost gonna hit the ground. Dene didn’t necessarily like or dislike it. But he remembered it viscerally. That tickle in his stomach. That mix of fear and fun.”

- Tommy Orange

At the close of our last session, b looked at me directly in the eyes and said that what I excel at the most (for him) is creating the feelings of total fear and absolute safety, and that he experiences both feelings simultaneously tugging at him in his belly before each one of our sessions. How beautiful, I thought. And then I thought of a mother figure, caressing her wailing child before plunging him into an icy bath, sucking the air out of him; or a mantis offering her sex to her mating companion, only to turn and guillotine his head with her teeth right after the act.

Fear and excitement actually feel the same in the body, and are often confused with one another, especially around questions of sexuality and sexual desire. Yes, I offer safety and comfort and security, but only so that I can dissect your secrets, destroy your flesh, devour your ego. I give off an incredibly earthy vibe, but I’ve also been told that I’m dangerous; I like to walk the edge.